A peek at empty nest syndrome

When I was a teenager ... being a mother was my dream. Other girls dreamed of college and careers, but all I wanted was to be a mommy. I was 28 before I had my first child. During those intervening years of young adulthood, I found myself in any number of ... interesting scenarios ... situations I would never have wanted to experience with little ones in tow. I've hitchhiked across several states, found myself alone more than 700 miles from home with $3 in my pocket and no future, lived as a carnival worker, traveled cross country on a bus with $20 and a single bag of personal possessions, lived in my car, lived in mice infested hotels, and shared living space with strangers. I've been arrested ... and homeless. Fortunately, when I discovered I was pregnant, my life had begun to settle down. I was married (and had been for 5 years), employed as an apartment manager, and felt like my life was stablized and meaningful. I literally glowed as the pregnancy progressed. When my son was born, my life felt complete. Before another 5 years had passed, I had another son ... and before his first birthday, I discovered my family was expanding once again. Giving birth to my youngest child, a daughter ... was the pinnacle of success for me. What more could I ask? I had three beautiful, healthy children. Two sons and a daughter. The backseat of my car was full and my happiness complete.

I've been a mother for more than two decades. It was nearly 22 years ago that my oldest son was born. I have savored those years, despite the angst that accompanied them. I have felt incredible joy and fascination, as well as heartache and worry. No other experience in my life has been as satisfying and rewarding. I have enjoyed teaching my children about life ... and learning about life from and with them. I find their laughter to be one of the most appealing sounds on this earth and their tears have the power to stir my own.

Late last summer, as I prepared to relocate from Virginia to Indiana ... I 'insisted' that my oldest son take the next step into adulthood and move out on his own. I knew there was security in living at home but also knew that he still had a lot to learn about life, things he couldn't seem to understand while still so firmly ensconced in my home. Since he was perpetually disrespectful and disobedient, refused to seek out steady employment and was a bad influence on his younger siblings ... I really had no choice but to force him to grow up.

For nearly a year and a half I have been raising the remaining two teenagers. I have seen a dramatic improvement in our lifestyle ... and in their emotional well being. We have nurtured each other and are a close-knit family of three, living more than 700 miles from any other relatives. Though employed full time as a nurse, I work the night shift and so am here for my children most of their waking lives, and they are here for me.

Recently, the two of them left for an out-of-state visit with their father. They will be gone just over a week (the third such visit this calendar year ... and since I became a single parent nearly 8 years ago) ... and I am getting a peek at empty nest syndrome. What exactly is 'empty nest syndrome'?. According to wickipedia ... it is "a general feeling of loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives may feel when one or more of their children leave home".

Now my home is empty ... and quiet. There are no spontaneous hugs, no shared laughter. There is no expectation of teenage voices rising in excitement or frustration. The place feels a bit lonely ... and quiet. I am experiencing a sample of what my life will be like when my remaining two children reach adulthood and move out on their own. Though I have often said I cannot imagine my life without my children at hand, I am experiencing that exact sensation at this very moment. I find the thought of tending to only my own needs almost alien.

It's not a bad thing ... the thought of living alone, though I must confess it's a foreign one to me. I moved out of my parent's home and into one shared with my first husband when I was 18. When that marriage ended after more than 4 years, I lived alone no more than a few short weeks before I hooked up with a room mate. I went from living with a room mate directly into another relationship; one that ultimately led to my second marriage, one that lasted just shy of 20 years. It's been hard to picture myself living alone but this peek at empty nest syndrome is exactly that ... a peek at what my life will be like when I have only myself to care for. I shall swallow any feelings of loneliness and concentrate on enjoying life. So many times, my decisions have been molded by the needs of others. With an empty nest, I will rediscover the 'non-mommy' side of me ... the unique person that I am ... and I will savor every moment of that self-exploration.